hap·py [hap-ee]
Adjective
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to behappy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, orjoy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land
I have come to the realization (not recently, but this realization comes and goes in waves) that I don't know how to be happy. Not completely happy anyways. Instead of dwelling on past epiphanies, I will just tell you about this morning's.
I was totally planning on writing today's post last night, but I got side tracked and watched Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 instead. I was going to write it afterwards, but I just felt...off. So I decided I'd write it this morning. I woke up at 8 AM and literally the first thought that went through my head was, "Ew you feel fat today". What? Really brain? Really? It's 8 in the morning give me an effing break. Now that I'm finally getting my emotions under control and starting to get my shit together, my eating disorder is like, "Lol nope. Remember me? You're fat. Lol. You should skip breakfast. Lol. And lunch."
I just feel so defeated and like I can't win. I don't feel like I'm in any position to be giving advice today to be honest. I'd just feel really hypocritical. I posted on my facebook page this morning that my post wouldn't be as prompt as usual because of my mental state. Four minutes later, my mom came in my room to ask me what was wrong. I have a love/hate relationship with being my mom's friend on facebook. She gets really mad at me when I say the 'F' word.
Anyways, she came in my room and was like, "Okay, let's talk about it". One of the BIGGEST hurdles for me in recovery is talking to people about it. ESPECIALLY my mom. I don't know why. My mom has ALWAYS been here for me, no matter what. But something about opening up to her about my eating issues always makes me cry. This morning was no exception. (Who cries before 9 AM? I mean really.) She asked me if I could say 3 nice things about myself this morning. Nope. *Cue the tears*. I couldn't do it. I just cried and snapped at her and kept saying, "No mom I can't, I'm too fat." To be honest, it's 1 PM and the feelings are not much better. I did eat breakfast though, which is a good start to a non-eating disordered day.
So I just want to publicly apologize to my lovely mother who never tries to do anything except make me feel better. I love you Mama.
I have no idea how to turn this day around. I'll probably just chalk it up as a loss. But, if I could be rational for a minute, this would be what my recovery team would ask me and these would be my responses:
Team: How are you feeling right now?
Claudia: Fat.
Team: Fat is not a feeling. How are you feeling?
Claudia: Inadequate. Disgusting. Not good enough. Hypocritical for running this blog when I can't even take my own advice half of the time.
Team: If your best friend, or your daughter, came to you and told you they were feeling this way, what would you tell her?
Claudia: That she's beautiful just the way she is. And that she is doing this the right way. Everyone else is just looking for a quick fix but the joke will be on them because she is doing this the healthy, sustainable way.
Team: So why isn't that true for you?
Claudia: Because I'm fat?
Team: *Throws hands up in the air and rolls eyes*
Claudia: Okay sorry. I'm just having a bad day.
Usually I can talk myself down doing these monologues in my head. Today is an exception. Probably because I'm wicked hormonal and sometimes I just gotta have a bad day. It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. Tomorrow is a new day. I will just keep repeating this:
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
-Buddha
That is one of my favorite quotes- it was a beautiful way to end this post! I have days like this too, where you just feel down and can't get yourself out of it. What helps me sometimes, and it's definitely easier said than done, is picturing those negative body-images as this little devil on your shoulder and acknowledging that they are there, but telling them that you are not going to be bothered by their presence. Sort of like, "oh hey eating-disorder, I see you sneaking around there and you're trying to bring me down today. That's fine, but I'm just going to ignore you as best I can, because I'm stronger and more deserving than you" Not fighting or pushing away those feelings away lets them drift away easier sometimes. I don't know if this helps, but I thought I'd pass along a little something that has helped me! :)
ReplyDeleteI really respect you Claudia, you are such an amazing, strong woman and reading your blog has helped me with my eating/body-image issues more than you can imagine. You write with such honesty and humor. Thank you so so much- you're an inspiration! :)
PS I know Brooke McDougal though a couple theatre productions we did together when I was in high-school in Escondido, I found your blog through her! :)