Emotional Eating

Here's the deal--for the last week (okay forever, but more so this week), I have been an emotional wreck. A complete train wreck. Not even a hot mess as anyone who has ever seen me crying can attest to. My anxiety has been at an all time high, and my self esteem at an all time low. Now naturally, when things like my life and emotions are out of control, I usually turn to the one thing I'm really good at controlling. And that is my food. This week was the hardest weeks I've had in a long long time. Heart ache will do that to you huh ladies? (and fellas!). Anyways this week though something weird happened to me that hasn't really happened before except for the first time I had my heart broken.

Short story- The first time I had my heart broken, I was 17. I got cheated on and I thought I was going to literally die. This broken heart made me lose my appetite for a solid 4 days. I just didn't eat for four days and whatever I tried to eat I threw up (INVOLUNTARILY I might add) because I was just all kinds of messed up. Long story short: My appetite came back, but I really liked the way that I looked after not eating for four days, and this is where my eating disorder flourished into my best friend and my worst enemy. It was a perfect distraction. I didn't have to feel my feelings. All I had to do was focus on food, or how to get rid of it. (That seriously, obviously, came back to bite me in the ass...So much money on therapy and treatment...so many ruined relationships and friendships...I can't even...what were we talking about? I'm not emotional or anything...)

This ties in to my week because this week, I completely lost my appetite. Naturally, I flipped out. All I could was sit in front of the food I knew I was supposed to be eating, and cry. Seriously. It was not cute. I've been able to take a maximum of 7 bites per 'meal' this week. The difference this time is that I WANT my appetite to come back. I WANT to eat. And that is what makes me different 4 1/2 years later. And that is exciting to me. Sure, I feel skinnier, but I also feel weaker. And I know any weight I have lost, is just water weight.

OMFG WAT

So other than this week, I, like I'm sure a lot of you, emotionally OVER eat. What is more comforting when you're lonely than an entire roll of Oreos? God that sounds good right now. But do you know what doesn't sound good? Is the feeling you get as soon as you finish that last Oreo. Not only are you still lonely, possibly lonelier, but now, you're uncomfortably full and sick to your stomach. Having said that, over eating sometimes is OKAY! Your body can handle it :) We have to be realistic, you're not NEVER going to emotionally over eat. It happens. If you're not TRULY hungry though (which you may be! Make sure to mentally check what you have eaten so far that day. If you are under your daily calories, you're probably ACTUALLY hungry and need to eat a proper meal or snack!) here are some things to turn to, other than food :)

Again, I can't stress this enough, remember that these coping tips aren’t meant to be distractions from a hungry stomach or when you GENUINELY want to taste the yummy goodness of a piece of cake, a bowl of pasta or whatever. These are helpful to use when you’re clearly in need of something beyond food.

• Call a friend.
• If you live with loved ones, ask them for a hug! Cheesy, but you'd be amazed at the super powers of a good hug.
• Listen to soothing music, not sad. There is a difference between soothing and sad.
• Write in your journal. The physical act of writing is a HUGE stress release.
• Read a favorite book. 
• Skype with a friend (I miss you Lauren!).
• Put on your sweats and curl up on the couch.
• Watch a favorite TV show.
• Watch or read something funny.
• Meditate. (If you meditate or do yoga, god bless you. I can't sit still for that long and I am so jealous of you)
• Take a bath or shower.
• Take deep breaths.
• Just sit with your emotions, and FEEL them.
• Pray if you pray.
• GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Go to the park, gym, store, beach or just get in the car and drive.
• Have a good cry. We all need one. I've taken my fair share this week. If I'm being honest, about two a day at least. Yikes.

& best of all......

• READ THIS BLOG!

:) I had to. I mean it calms me down to write it so hopefully you guys get a giggle or two but  more so, I hope you guys are learning and growing with me.

Let's Talk About Cleansing, mmk?

A friend said to me yesterday, "I heard about this cleanse, like a juice fast, where you lose like 10 lbs. in a week or something. I'm totes gonna do it.". *FACE PALM*. And so it was written, or would be written, that this is my topic this week. 

I live in Los Angeles. I live 30 minutes away from Hollywood. It is literally IMPOSSIBLE not to hear about celebrity diet fads, cleanses, fasts, diets etc. We Californians are a funny breed of people. We think (myself formerly included) that if a celebrity says something, it's obviously true, I mean come on, why would they lie to us? So yes, Jessica Simpson is TOTALLY "sexual napalm" in the bedroom, thanks John Mayer for clearing that one up. Anyways, cleansing. I once read that Beyonce lost something around 30 pounds for her role in "Dream Girls". She did this by doing the...drum roll please...*MASTER CLEANSE*

Now for those of you who have never heard of or attempted the Master Cleanse, let me give you a brief summary. You, for at *least* 10 days, (Beyonce did something like 4 weeks), eat nothing. Absolutely nothing. And instead, drinking this concoction of-

-Water

-Lemon juice

-Cayenne pepper

-Grade B maple syrup

If you think that it sounds disgusting, you have no idea. It is the worst thing ever. Yes, I have attempted the Master Cleanse twice before in the past. Key word being attempted. The first time I was 17 and lasted 4 hours and the second time I was 19 and lasted 11 hours. I figured it didn't work because I didn't do it for long enough, and dropped the notion that I could live off of such a disgusting "lemonade". 

A few months ago, my lovely mother made me watch a documentary called, "Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead". Reader's Digest Version: It's about an obese Australian man who goes on a juice fast for 60 days. He lost a TON of weight, his health issues were resolved, and he lived happily ever after. My mother now thought SHE should do a juice fast too. 

"Mom, you are not obese and don't have health issues." Most people are baffled when they hear about how much weight another person has lost on a cleanse/fast. How are you baffled? Calories in Vs. Calories out. So obviously if you're not putting anything in, your body is going to flip out. Having said that, I DO think that juicing is awesome and if you can, you should incorporate it INTO your diet, not make it your diet. Now, let me tell you something else, one of my FAVORITE recovery mantras:

"Easy off, easy on"

Ahhhh so simple, no? So true! When you fast, your metabolic rate slows after about 50 hours. So like two days. Once your metabolic rate slows, anything you put into your body will be stored as fat. Even if it's healthy. Sucks. So not worth it. Now, if you're like I was and fast while working out, I am sorry to inform you that you are working out for absolutely nothing. Any muscle you are trying to build is being eaten by your body for protein.You need to consume protein for your body’s needs. If you don’t eat protein, your body starts to break down your muscle (which is protein) in order to get the necessary amino acids (the building blocks of protein). The result? A nice skinny/fat. Soft and skinny. 

Mmmm sexy. 

There is NO scientific evidence that fasting detoxes the body. Our bodies are already pretty self-sufficient. The liver is the body’s natural detox center. Other organs, including the lungs, the kidneys, and the skin, also remove impurities and toxins from the body. If we were meant to fast, we would. Our bodies are amazing. A fast may give the perception of “cleaning out” your body’s impurities, but that’s not what happens. While some people reportedly feel great after fasting, others feel sluggish, tired, achy, and unfocused. That’s because they’re often not getting sufficient calories. 

"But Claudia, 'so and so' got SO skinny on this fast!". 

Well duh. Again, going back to my post about carbs, lack of carbs=lack of water. Lack of water=loss of weight. Also, if you're only drinking and not eating, you will frequently be on the toilet urinating, losing even more water.  But again, this won’t help you lose weight. You’re only depleting your body of fluids, which may make it seem like you’re actually losing weight. Of course, if you eat few calories, you will lose weight quickly, but that doesn’t mean you will keep it off. Again, as the saying goes: easy off; easy on. It's worth saying again. 

If you REALLY feel like your body needs to be *cleansed*, eat REAL food. Oatmeal, fruit, eggs, vegetables, lean meats, nuts, whole wheat bread, plain milk, water water water, etc. Nothing processed. No caffeine, no alcohol, no soda, no juice. Eating clean for a few days will do WONDERS for you, and it'll last. Your metabolism won't die, you won't have low blood sugar, and you can sustain on this clean eating plan forever with the occasional treat (I have one every day because I just gotta). Now for some food porn, how could you want to fast when you could get BETTER results eating this yummy stuff?

Bottom Line: If you consume fewer calories, you will lose weight. But fasting to lose weight quickly can put metabolic stress on your body. After fasting for a few days, you risk damaging your body. Losing muscle mass is very unhealthy. Plus, any weight you lose quickly, you will put back on just as easily.

Unconditional Love

(n)  Definition:  affection with no limits or conditions; complete love.

I'm back from Texas ya'll!

Maiya and me in our room!

I had a very interesting trip. It was really fun but vacations are tricky for me. Being in recovery is hardest when I'm out of my comfort zone. Like, being away from my Greek yogurt, Whole Foods salad bar, Zone bars? CRINGE. I try really hard to let myself go, because it's usually only for a week, but sweet Jesus it's the hardest part of my recovery right now. My day here on the home front usually goes something like this:
-Breakfast
-Starbucks
-Gym
-Snack
etc. etc. etc.

My week in Texas looked something like this:
-Food
-Food
-Food
-Alcohol
-Food
-Alcohol
-Food
-Alcohol
-Alcohol

Welcome to Hangover City! Population: 1

Needless to say, when I got home, I flipped out a little bit. I am still IN recovery, not RECOVERED, so I am allowed to freak out. I'm only a human after all. Immediately, the eating disorder thoughts come a-rushin' back. Convinced I have gained at least 20 pounds, (can't be sure because I was ordered to throw out my scale), I sit and bawl like a child who just got crapped on in the ball pit at McDonalds.

The next morning, I rub my eyes, and see my tattoo. Now, I've had that tattoo for almost two years now, I look at it every day. But this particular morning, I looked at it and remembered why I got it.

The symbols mean 'Unconditional Love for yourself" in Hebrew. I got it two years ago when I tried (unsuccessfully) to recover...again. To remind myself that I deserve love, no matter what. No matter my weight, if my face is broken out, if I made a mistake, if I lied, if I pigged out, SO WHAT. This is the only body I have. That morning I knew I was at a pivotal moment in my recovery journey. I was either going to push through all the discomfort, all the awful thoughts, and be healthy, OR I was going to starve myself that day and probably the rest of the week, only drinking lemon water.

As of today (three days later), I have opted to push through and continue to recover. There are just so many things that I want to do that I can't with my eating disorder. I am proud of myself.

This isn't very much of an advisory post, I know. But my best friend in the entire world left today for Spain for 6 months and I am emotionally distraught and really should probably be writing about emotional eating. ANYWAYS I will touch a little more on the scale/weighing yourself thing. It always was astounding to me (and I know EVERYONE can relate to this) how I could wake up, look in the  mirror, and think I look so skinny so I decide to weigh myself, step on the scale, and it reads higher than normal. WHAT. All of a sudden, I step off the scale, look in the mirror, and suddenly, I am fat. BOOM. I gained weight in 2.7 seconds. Astounding. I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. And now, my whole day is obviously ruined.

 One of the most important, beautiful, freeing, days of my life so far is the day I decided I will no longer weigh myself. This was a process. As my therapist loves to say, I was "married" to my scale. And it was a messy, slow, emotional, divorce. You know what thought? I have never EVER been happier. Sure, I get weird looks when I go to the doctor and ask to please be weighed backwards (and for the love of God please do not announce my weight), but so what? When you think about it, letting a stupid number dictate your life is absurd! After all, you are probably the ONLY person who is ever going to see it.

The scale will NOT tell you the following:
-What a great person you are
-How much your family and friends love you
-That you can make a stranger melt with your beautiful smile
-You are special

Words of wisdom from my therapist: "When you go to weigh yourself, you're really never going to be happy. If it's higher than you think, you will let it ruin your day. If it's the same as normal, you will be upset it's not lower, and you will let it ruin your day. If it's lower than normal, you will want it to be even lower, and you will let it ruin your day."

Have a good day, don't weigh yourself. Love yourself. Love your body. Wether you like it or not, it's the only one you will ever have.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. 
-Buddha 

Fat

Let me paint you a picture--

It's 2:00 AM. I can't sleep. I am on my third consecutive hour of watching reruns of "The Office". Suddenly, I am downstairs, balls deep in a jar of Skippy Peanut Butter.

How in God's good name did this happen....again. Here are the thoughts running through my head right about now:

-Good lord you are repulsive
-You have no self control
-What the hell is wrong with you?
-You are so fat.
-Do you know how much you're going to have to work out tomorrow to burn this off?
-Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

So all of this was going on only about 7 short months ago before I decided to try and get my shit together. And for the LIFE OF ME I could not figure out why I had no self control and would just get into this trance-like state and binge after being so "good" and starving myself all day. Why, of all things, would I reach for the peanut butter? & now I know...

FAT.

We (myself included) are PETRIFIED of fat. There are more fat-free, non-fat, low-fat, half-fat, reduced-fat, 2% fat, etc. products on the market than ever. And, ironically (or is it?), there are more people in the obese weight range than ever before. So what's up? Let me tell you a secret, a well kept secret at that:

FAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU FAT.

I was eating excess amounts of peanut butter because my body was CRAVING fat. Our bodies are actually amazing how they know what they need. So, what actually IS fat? Fats are a concentrated form of energy which help maintain body temperature, and protect body tissues and organs. Fat also plays an essential role in carrying the four fat-soluble vitamins: A, D, E, and K. (So if you're not eating any fat, those vitamins shan't be absorbed which sucks).

Basically the moral of the story is if you think you're being "good" by eating a low-fat or fat-free diet, you are setting yourself up for an epic binge. Your biological need for fats will overcome your willpower. Binging is not a lack of willpower, it's your body literally taking over. You have an innate will to live, your body doesn't care that you want to be rail thin, it just wants to keep you alive. Let me repeat that, because it's worth repeating:

BINGING IS NOT A LACK OF WILLPOWER. IT IS YOUR BODY TAKING OVER.

Your body actually knows EXACTLY what it needs. So if you're craving peanut butter, nuts, junk food, fried food, etc., it could really be because you haven't eaten enough fat. Yes, there are "good" fats and "bad" fats. I don't like labeling food "good" or "bad" though. It's just food. And how is a cupcake "bad"? It's the cutest food ever. ANYWAYS, this post can be an exception to avoid confusion.

There are 4 types of fat- Saturated fat, trans fat, polyunsaturated fat, and monounsaturated fat.

1. Saturated Fat- This is found mostly in meat and dairy products, as well as some vegetable oils, such as coconut and palm oils (tropical oils). Most saturated fats tend to be solid at room temperature, like butter.

2. Trans Fat- created in an industrial process that adds hydrogen to liquid vegetable oils to make them more solid.  Another name for trans fats is “partially hydrogenated oils." These are the worst kinds. This fat is manmade and added to things like fast food because they're easy to use, cheap, and last a long time. Also, they give foods a desirable taste and texture.  Many restaurants and fast-food outlets use trans fats to deep-fry foods because oils with trans fats can be used many times in commercial fryers. Ick.

3. Polyunsaturated Fat- Found mostly in plant sources. (safflower, sunflower, soybean, corn, cottonseed) and tends to lower blood cholesterol levels.

4. Monounsaturated Fat- Is found in both plant and animal products, such as olive oil, canola oil, peanut oil, and in some plant foods such as avocado. It also tends to lower LDL cholesterol or "bad" cholesterol.

So how much fat should you be eating per day to avoid eating it all at once at a super sonic pace? Well 30% of your daily calories should be from fat. Each gram of fat is 9 calories. So on an 1,800 calorie diet-

1,800 calories x .30 (30% from fat) / 9 calories = 60 grams of fat per day. Amazeballs.

If you eat some saturated fat or trans fat, don't trip. The general rule I try and follow is 80% good, 20% bad. Not just for fats, for all foods really. You NEED to be eating a fat at every meal. (Along with a carb and protein). So using myself for example, in the morning I put peanut butter on my toast. For lunch, I put avocado or cheese on my sandwich or salad, or use full fat salad dressing. For dinner I'll put butter on my sweet potato or avocado with my fish or chicken. Want to hear a perfect snack? 1/4 cup of nuts and an apple. NOM. Whatever, you get it. Do it. Eat fat. Your brain will thank you. Seriously, 2/3 of your brain is fat.

What "Calories in vs Calories out" Actually Means

...Because what you think it means is most likely wrong. Which is cool because I was wrong once and it was terrible. So let's talk about BMR. BMR= Basal Metabolic Rate. Basically what that means is that your body burns a certain amount of calories all by itself. Your body burns calories throughout the day in order to preform necessary bodily functions. Everything from standing up, breathing, to your heart pumping blood through your body, burns calories. Your BMR tells you the number of calories you burn to live through the day. This number can help you figure out your total net calories and know how much you should be eating to lose/maintain/gain weight.

To be honest, this is what I thought: I thought if I went to the gym and burned 600 calories on the elliptical, then I had to eat 600 calories to maintain my weight, and under than to lose. Long story short: That was wrong and I seriously messed up my metabolism. The amount of calories I should have been eating was my BMR + the 600 calories I burned to maintain, or my BMR + the 600 I burned - like 100 to lose weight.

So how do you figure out your BMR? Well, there's an online calculator but I am not super fond of that one because it doesn't take your activity level into account. Also, I like doing things like this myself, it makes me feel mega-smart and uber-cool

The formula is: 655 + (4.35 x weight in pounds) + (4.7 x height in inches) - (4.7 x age in years)

So here's mine (because it helps me to see so maybe it'll help you, if not, ignore this):

655 + (4.35 x 125lbs) + (4.7 x 63 inches) - (4.7 x 21 years)
655 + (543.75) + (296.1) - (98.7)
BMR= 1,396.15 calories

I even showed my work. My high school math teacher would be proud.

Now let's factor in activity level. Multiply your BMR by:
1.2 = sedentary
1.375 = lightly active
1.55 = moderately active
1.725 = very active
1.9 = extremely active

So my true BMR is 1,396.15 x 1.55 (moderately active) = 2,164 calories.

So in order to maintain  my weight (which you all know now is 125 lbs. So many secrets I'm sharing. If you're reading this we're basically BFF now since you know that), I need to eat around 2,000 calories a day. To lose weight, you need to eat 300 to 500 calories less than your BMR.

Yes Kitty, you CAN haz cheezburger.


NO MORE THAN 500 CALORIES UNDER. Why you ask? I will tell you. (Look Mom, me having an 'answer for everything' actually IS getting me ahead in life!)

If you eat more than 500 calories under your BMR, your body will actually do the opposite of losing fat. Meaning it will gain fat. Will you lose weight? Probably. But as you learned in my previous post, losing weight and losing fat are two different things. Eating more than 500 calories under your BMR causes your body to go into starvation mode. Your body needs calories, and if you don't give them to it, it's going to get them from somewhere else. It's going to get them from the most potent energy source in your body, which is your muscle, not your fat. Bummer. So if your body is in starvation mode, you will lose muscle and gain body fat. Even if you're lifting weights. You are lifting weights, gaining muscle, and losing it right away because your body needs it. You may not look fat, but believe you me, your body fat percentage has gone up. Ever hear of a girl being "skinny fat"? This is why.

Not to mention, being in starvation mode causes:
-bad breath
-hair loss
-feeling weak
-depression
-mood swings
-low immune system
-and basically just being a total raving bitch (trust me, my family knows that one first hand)

So, this holiday season, eat anything you want and don't beat yourself up over it. You deserve it. You need it. Your body deserves it. Your body needs it. Strong is sexy. Happy Holidays everyone! x

Oh For the Love of Carbs

 I guarantee you that there are at least two reactions to reading that word- "Omg YES. Where?!" & "Omg get them away from me now they make you fat". 

I will be the first to say, carbs scare the living hell out of me. And in my quest to body acceptance, I am finding out I am not the only one. In fact, there are very, VERY, few people that I have met that can honestly say they have no qualms with carbohydrates. And yes, they are all boys. 

When I first started seeing my dietician, Brooke, (who is the most awesome, patient, understanding, adorable human being I know, with a seriously enviable wardrobe), she asked me what my day looked like in terms of food. I told her and she asked me if I was eating no carbohydrates on purpose. "Um, duh. Carbs make you fat." Obviously I was the all knowing, all seeing, Goddess of Carbs. Then she asked me, 

"How many carbs do you think you should be eating in a day?" 

"Uhhhh, should? I don't know. 70-100?"

"300".

300. 3-0-0. THREE HUNDRED YOU GUYS. THREE HUNDRED CARBOHYDRATES PER DAY. 

I didn't believe her. So I made her explain the logic and science behind that. In a way that even I could understand. So if I can understand it, so can you. Here it goes:

60 percent of your calories per day should be from carbs. I will tell you why in a minute. There are 4 calories per 1 gram of carbs. So, let's say you are eating 1,600 calories per day (don't eat less than that, seriously.) 1,600 calories x .60 (the 60%) = 960. Now, 960 divided by the 4 calories per gram of carb= 240 carbohydrates per day.

Okay so the 300 was based on 2,000 calories but you guys get the gist. 

REJOICE THAT IS SO MANY YUMMY CARBS!

So why are we so afraid? Carbs are fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. We put WAY too much stock in what the media tells us (I'm lookin' at you Atkins Diet!).  They provide the body with fuel it needs for physical activity and for proper organ function. If you restrict your intake of carbs, you will overeat them eventually. I promise. 

So, why are low-carb/no-carb diets SO appealing? Because you lose weight and you lose it fast. There is no denying that. Spoiler alert though: It is physically impossible to lose 10 pounds of fat that fast. So what are you losing? WATER. Carbo-HYDRATE. AH HA! Why do you lose weight so quick on a no carb diet? Because each carbohydrate molecule is attached to a water molecule. Lose carbs, lose water. Boom. Guess what happens as soon as you put a carb in your body? All the weight comes back! Imagine that. You are not gaining fat, just like you didn't lose fat, your body is simply rehydrating itself. When I reintroduced carbs to my diet, I put on 15 pounds. In three months. Yiiiiiiiiikes. And every week, through my hysteric sobs, Brooke would remind me, "Your insides are rehydrating. Your organs are swelling back up to their normal size, your blood in thickening. You are gaining weight, not fat". 

Research shows that the majority of people lose the same amount of weight whether they follow a carb-based or low-carb diet. This is because the main cause of weight-gain are calories: eating more calories than you burn will result in weight-gain, and vice versa. You could eat 4 Snickers bars a day or 5-6 healthy meals and lose weight either way. Calories in VS. Calories out. Period.

Another one of Brooke's favorite things to tell me is, "A carb is a carb is a carb." Are there 'good carbs' and 'bad carbs'? Ehhh sort of. There are simple and complex. Simple carbohydrates (candy, sugar, white rice, white bread, white pasta, etc) are not 'bad'. Bad is Lord Voldermort. Bad is not a slice of Wonder Bread. Wonder Bread did not kill Harry Potter's whole family and cause havoc on the wizzarding world. I'm just saying. Anyways, simple carbs spike your blood sugar faster than complex ones (whole grains, beans, starchy vegetables, brown rice, whole wheat pasta). This leads to a quicker energy peak, and a quicker come down, which is turn, makes you hungry sooner. Your body has to work harder to digest the complex carbs, thus, keeping you fuller longer. About 2-3 hours. Seriously, that's the difference. So if you like white rice better than brown, eat the damn white rice. Because it will do the same exact thing in your body. Pinky promise.