Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A Fine Line Between Recovery & Relapse

So the last week I've been on a health kick. Excluding Saturday when I drank an entire bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita but that's neither here nor there. I'm coming to realize a very obvious thing-- When I eat like shit, I feel like shit. This is no huge, ground breaking thing, but it is becoming more and more clear to me. I haven't eaten any processed sugar in two days. Not only do I have a splitting headache, but I have never wanted to dig my spoon into the jar of frosting that's sitting in my pantry more than I do as I type this. This scares me. How can something legal, something that's supposedly not a drug, be THIS addicting?

I have to figure that something that makes me feel that bad, must be bad for my body, right?
I am at a really weird place in recovery right now. I'm realizing the line between 'eating healthy' and 'having an eating disorder' is REALLY thin for me. For example, when I order my salad dressing on the side and no croutons on my that my 'healthy' side ordering? Or my 'eating disorder' side ordering? I don't know. And in here lies the problem I'm having this week.

I'm realizing also that everyone has a different definition of what "healthy" means and that there is a big difference between eating healthy and having a healthy thought process. Unfortunately for me, these things rarely go hand in hand. If you asked my dietician what it means to be healthy, she would tell you it's freeing yourself to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and stopping when you're full. Eat intuitively. Feed your body what it wants. Get in touch with your hunger and fullness signals and honor them. I agree one hundred percent and hope to one day be in that place.

If you asked my Mom on the other hand what it means to be healthy, she would tell you it's eating organic. Not eating anything that didn't come from the ground or didn't have a mother. Don't eat any meat that isn't grass fed. Don't eat anything genetically modified. Don't eat anything if  you don't recognize ingredients on the label. Again, I feel myself agreeing with her one hundred percent as well.

So, I feel myself becoming obsessive again, or, maybe a little bit relapse-y. Or maybe just confused and at a weird cross road. But this time it's different. This time, I'm not afraid to eat foods because I'm afraid of the weight gain. This time, I'm afraid to eat foods because of the way that I feel after I eat them. After I eat too much processed sugar, I literally wake up with a sugar induced hangover. When I eat a bag of chips, I am nauseous for at least 2 hours afterwards. And I don't enjoy feeling like that. I've been doing a lot of research and listening to lots of speeches from people who are experts in nutritional sciences. I am learning so much. So many horror stories about genetically modified food, soy, corn, the dairy industry, food allergies, I could just explode. So, if you guys are interested, I'd like to share what I'm learning over the next couple of posts. If not, I will carry on with my regular posts and not bash on anyone, but let me know what you'd like to see from me.

For now, I will try and remember this: A lapse is not a relapse. Life is about balance. And the only way I will appreciate my balance, is to be off-balance for a little bit. x

Ps- Here is an amazing breakfast recipe for all of you who asked for a good one in a hurry! This can be made in a couple minutes the night before, grab it and go! Cant wait to try it!


  1. I feel the same confusion as you do at times. I was on WW for the longest time but recently discovered that I don't like the "processed" side of their plan. I would love to read about your discoveries! I too have been doing countless research but I am now as confused as ever.

  2. Back in the day...those days up to age 48, when I would shop and look for clothes. Here is what I asked myself in the dressing room mirror: "Does this look good on me?"

    Today, 11 years and 80 pounds later, here is what I ask myself in the dressing room mirror. "How fat do I look in this?"

    Pretty sad. I am pretty sad.

  3. I can totally relate to this... Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by all the nutrition information out there that I could explode! I'm hoping to get to a place in my life where I don't have to think so hard about what I'm eating... a place where eating healthy is second nature and splurging on something unhealthy is rare, but not guilt-inducing. Great post! :)